Saturday, 17 December 2011

Chapter 4: Just Because You Have the Emotional Range of a Teaspoon(pot) Doesn't Mean We All Do!

Ok. Let me get one thing straight here- Draco Malfoy is a twat. An idiot. An imbecile. A juvenile delinquent. A miscreant. A bumbling fool. A pompous, self-centred jerk with no regard for anyone but himself. But, the thing is, I think someone like Gwen could sort him out- y’know. Level him off a bit. I mean, she’s a little bit crazy and rebellious, sure. But Draco might dig that.

Well I don’t know.

I don’t try and get inside Draco Malfoy’s head.


Anyhoo, the remainder of the train journey was amusing, to say the least- Fred and Georgeʼs plots to destroy Malfoy were so unbelievably hilarious that it was a struggle to stay on my seat. I was almost disappointed when the train pulled into Hogwarts... But I did say almost- because at Hogwarts things could only get better. Or so I thought, until I heard Gwen practically yelling, "Where's Phyllis?" and I felt a strange wet substance on my forehead. The source of the strange wet substance, inevitably, was Phyllis. And by inevitably, I mean completely evitably.
“Gotcha,” said Fred as he plucked the snail from my forehead, “whoʼs a good little snail?”
“MINE!” Gwen grabbed Phyllis, “Bad Fred! You should not touch other peopleʼs snails. Especially not mine. Hmph.”
I wiped the snail goo onto my finger, and held it to the light. Inside, swirled a spectrum of colours, glistening and shining. Pausing for a moment, I dripped the rest into a small glass phial, thinking it could come in use later perhaps.
“And whatcha doing there, now Ari?” Gwen watched me stuff the phial back into my bag, “always the one for experimenting, werenʼt you? No wonder Snape likes you so much. And by you, I do mean me. Because Iʼm awesome. And we always get the potions right.”
“We?” I looked at her, slightly bemused.
“Yes. We.” I didnʼt dare argue with her, partially because of the stern look on her face, but mainly because of the fact that she had a giant poisonous snail sat on her head, itʼs antennae looking around, as if it were inspecting us to see if we were worthy of itʼs presence and whether we were to live or die. I glanced at George, who was straightening his tie nervously whilst glancing at Phyllis, before trying to stuff the newly wrapped sweets into his bag.

Despite those sweets falling onto the platform beforehand, the carriage ride to Hogwarts was, as usual, thoroughly enjoyable. Coming back to Hogwarts is always a wonderful thing for me, and I’m not quite sure what it is. Perhaps it’s the people, the classes, the atmosphere, the scenery, the building, or a mixture of them all. All I know is that I love it- it’s like having Christmas before Christmas. There were a few sad faces, of course, as this was the first year starting without Cedric Diggory, the Hufflepuff who’d passed away last year in the Tri-Wizard tournament.
"Whatever. He was a pretentious twazzock," were Gwen's sentiments on the matter. However, the poor child never had a thing for timing, since Cho Chang promptly burst into tears as she was ascending the steps to our carriage. I reached out and helped her onto the velvet seats, proceeding then to comfort her. Gwen muttered a quick sorry, and the mood in our carriage soon cleared, aside from the odd sniffle from Cho within the first few minutes. I pulled out my cup and teapot (a birthday present from Gwen, it magically refilled itself with some gorgeous tasting tea) and poured everyone some tea. Gwen immediately threw hers out of the carriage, onto the ground and presented me with her empty teacup, ordering me to fill it up again.
“What happened to the rest of your tea?”
“I drank it.”
“No you didn’t!”
“I did.”
“I won’t fill it up.”
“Ahem. Do you see any tea? I am out of tea, Ari!”
“You will not waste my tea!”
“It doesn’t count as wasteful if you have an unlimited supply!”
“Yes it does!”
“No, it does not!”
“Does anyone come to any harm in the pouring of my tea?”
“Really, who?”
“The teapot.”
“That does not count.”
“Yes it does, teapots are people too.”
Gwen glared at me, with that unnerving glare or hers. I was fairly sure it could melt any substance on earth, if she glared at it hard enough. I would try with chocolate, but I doubt I could get her to glare at chocolate for long enough before she ate it. Last Christmas, I gave her a gigantic chocolate penguin that I’d constructed with the help of Dobby, the house elf. It stood at 20 feet tall, and we’d had to keep it wrapped up in the Forbidden (or not so, for the likes of us) Forest to stop it being found. She ate it within a couple of hours.

Our little carriage trundled along, and very soon Hogwarts was in sight, looking at us in a skeptical fashion, as though it was wondering why we’d come back, after last year. But, yes, it was pleased with us. And yes, I do realise that you may think that castles cannot express emotion, being objects. But I believe you’ve forgotten that this is Hogwarts, magic doesn’t stay inside the classrooms. I don’t think I can express my love for my school enough. Cho and Gwen, unfortunately, were not so positive.
“Welcome to one of the most terrifying years of your life!” Gwen looked at me mischievously, as though she was challenging me to respond, “I hope you enjoy your next 3 years in Hell.”
“I hate to admit it, but she’s right. O.W.L.s… Not looking forward to this year at all,” Cho sighed.
“I know, right,” Gwen smiled at her new partner in crime, and pulled out her stupid book and started reading it, holding the atrocity just out of my reach. Anything to spite me.
“What are you reading,” Cho looked at Gwen, wide-eyed.
“You don’t want to know, Cho,” I said, trying to protect her innocence.
“It’s this story where-”
“Seriously. You don’t want to know.”
“There are these-”
“Gwen. Shut up. She doesn’t want to know.”
“Actually,” Cho shot me a look, “I do want to know.”
“It’s a filthy piece of muggle literature, ok?” I snapped. So this was how Gwen would play it? Well, I had a few tricks up my own sleeve.
“Cho,” I turned to her smiling, “do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Well, don’t you think that Gwen and Draco make a really cute couple?”
Gwen looked up from her book, expressionless.
“Because,” I continued, “Gwen has this massive crush on him, and I think that she should just go for it, and ask him out, but she won’t listen to me! So, I think a second opinion, especially from someone as awesome as you, would help her loads!”
“Omigod,” Cho prattled, “YES! You guys would look SO cute together! Gwen, you should definitely ask him out! I’d say the Yule Ball, but of course we don’t have a ball this year… Unless, we organise one! What do you say guys? Lets organise a ball… We could have it in Hogsmeade! It would be so much fun!”
Gwen looked so unimpressed that I almost felt like stopping. But I didn’t. “Yes! All three of us could do it!”
“I don’t think I can,” Gwen said, in a mock-sadness.
“Aw, why?”
“I will be cleaning my china cat collection.”
“You don’t have a china cat collection.”
“I do now. And I will clean it. Every day. For the rest of my life.”
“Aw, but you know that one of the house elves would be happy to help you! In fact, even better! We could get Draco to help you. It would be a fantastic bonding exercise!”
“Ari. No.”
“But yes, Gwen!”
She looked at Cho and I sulkily, before muttering, “Fine, I will help you with your stupid ball idea.”
“YES!” we shared a high five, and before we knew it, the gates of Hogwarts were upon us.


  1. This is so awesome Quinn! I love it so much.

    Still as hilarious as ever but with this lovely contemplatey sort of tone to it as well.

    And I think you'll find that teapots are actually teapots not people. They're teapots with feelings. Tealings. Or feepots...

    Excellent story as usual.

    Bryyyyyyy why isn't part 5 up yet!

  2. I. Love. This.

    There are no words to describe this epicness. NO WORDS. My brother actually told me to stop giggling or I'd hurt myself. That is how hard I laughed.

    Can't wait for more!

  3. I love it more than anything! When will there be more?

  4. Just read the Schrodinger's Cat section.


    Yes that last one is a real word...

    *shifty eyes*

    Real mnenomic

    Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species!


    I simply cannot wait for part 5.

    My appetite has been whetted! And also wheated. By consuming wheat.


    *salutes and then canters away on an imaginary horse*

    *and possibly a piroutte*


    It depends.

    On fish.

  5. I don't know if Quinn already shared this with you Bryony but this version is elucidated!

    Bryony you slow pumpkin you. You are such a slow pumpkin that you could probably diffract through a wall. And the wall would get so bored waiting for you to diffract through it that it would have crumbled away or emigrated to Qatar or something by the time you did so.
    And then centuries later tales would be told about the wall that emigrated in Qatar in the hope that Bryony would write the next part of the fanfic. Entire chapters would be devoted to describing the slowness of Bryony. Maybe even a monologue by the main character.
    And then those tales would gradually be forgotten and lost in the mist of time, buried in peat and fossilised and then dug up by a new civilisation that had risen up from the ashes of the United States of Europe and they would puzzle over the fragments and STILL Bryony would not have written her new chapter.

  6. Infact the story would also contain several cryptic anagrams of "The All Singing All Dancing Bryony Rose" including


    Which was thought to represent the people's want for a story and their subsequent descent into madness and sinful alcoholic cereal.

  7. Did you know that in the time since you last posted (3 months 19 days ag) that 2% of the existance Nazi Germany would have elapsed?

    Or that two llamas could have mated 1768 and a half times?

    Or that 36.8 mosquitoes could have been born, lived an average mosquitoey life and died (assuming they are born the second after the last one dies).

    Well now you do! :P

  8. Until the next part of the fanfic is posted I shall update these figures or more likely provide you with new figures on at least a weekly basis.

    Or more likely when I can be bothered to do the research.

  9. You do realise Octa, that posting these facts only makes me want to delay more so I can increase my brain capacity?

    But I'll see what I can do.